


Throw It All Away

by 17craic



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 11:09:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/17craic/pseuds/17craic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short and bitter.<br/>Louis commits suicide. Harry sees him still.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Throw It All Away

Soil in his hand. Soft, damp. Earthy smell filling his nose. He doesn’t want to let go of it. Feels like he’d be letting go of so much more. It’s stupid but he worries that if he throws it down there, into the ground’s gaping wound, he’d throw it all away: the memories, the soft lips on his, the familiar smell. Louis. He never wants to be free of him. He promised he’d be by his side forever. He broke it already but how can he keep it now?  
A hand slips gently into his free one, bringing him back to the moment. Eyes watching, waiting. His turn to throw. Hold his breath, grip the hand tightly. Let go. Look away as it falls, look to the person whose hand is clutched in his own.  
His eyes see black hair, black suit, tear stains. His mind sees feathered brunette hair, The Killers t-shirt and chinos, bright smile.  
Drink the sight in, can’t look away.  
“Come on Harry. It’s time to go now.”  
Glance around, everyone has left except the two gravediggers. Grey clouds thickening overhead.  
A tug on his hand. “We really have to go.”  
That’s not the voice he wants to hear after all. He forces himself to look away from the grave, to meet Zayn’s golden eyes.  
“Haz. Come on.”  
Feet obey automatically, but heart cries no, I have to stay with him.  
Zayn’s hand is still locked in his. It’s not the hand he wants but he dare not let go. The first heavy raindrops begin to fall, disguising the tears on his cheeks.

Somehow back in the flat, hair dripping rainwater down his collar, soaked to the skin. Zayn helps him peel off his jacket, does the same himself. Stand barefoot on the cold lino of the kitchen, puddles at their feet.  
“Zayn.”  
Voice cracks. First time since it happened that he’s spoken.  
“Yeah?”  
Steps close. Hand reaches out tentatively. Touches his cheek, flinches back from it.  
“Did you read the note?”  
Bite lip, hold back tears. “Yes.”  
“It was us. We did this.” Voice hoarse from all the crying.  
“It’s not our fault. We couldn’t have known how he’d react. We could never have predicted he’d do this. He seemed fine.”  
Warm, familiar hand on his shoulder, whisper, warm breath on his ear. “Tell him.”  
“We can’t be together any more.”  
“Harry. Think about this. I know why you’re doing it. But us not being together won’t change anything. It can’t save him.”  
Rage, fire in his eyes. “Shut up!” Shove him, two steps back.  
“Haz, you have to stop blaming yourself. We didn’t do this. He did.”  
“How can you stand there and pretend to be ignorant when you knew? Just as well as I did, you knew what it was doing to him. And we were too wrapped up in ourselves to care about him. How could we do that?”  
Trembling lip. “It wasn’t our fault!”  
“Keep telling yourself that. One day you’ll realise lying to yourself doesn’t change the fact that you helped kill him.”  
“He killed himself! Why can’t you see that there’s no point laying blame? He took his own life, Harry, none of us took it from him!”  
“I think you should leave.”  
“You can’t kick me out like that. This is my flat too, in case you’ve forgotten.”  
“No. It’s my flat. Mine and Louis’. It always was.”  
“He moved out over a year ago! I’ve been here for more than six months. How can you say it’s still his place?”  
Repeats. “I think you should go.”  
Sigh, hands press into eyes, come away wet with tears.  
“Alright. Call me when you start seeing sense.”  
Front door slams. Turn to Louis.  
“Did I do it right?”  
“Of course, love, you always do.” Warm hands link. “Forget about him. Come with me.”  
Out the door, along the corridor, into the lift.  
Sweet, gentle kiss until they arrive at the top. Step out onto the carpet, along another hallway, climb the stairs. Out into the night, wind in his hair, city lights spread out below. Louis still laughing, pulling him along, fingers entwined. Each raindrop stings Harry’s arms, his face.  
“Doesn’t it hurt you?”  
“Nothing can hurt me any more. Come on!”  
Edge of the roof, twenty floors, hard to balance in the wind. Louis steps confidently through the void, looks back.  
“You coming or not?”  
“I don’t think I can!”  
“It’s not as hard as you think. Don’t you trust me?”  
“Yes.”  
“Then hurry up!”  
Losing him, walking furthur away. Fading.  
Wind, rain, bleak skies. Deep breath, step out. Sick feeling, falling down, down, down. Panic.  
“Lou! Help me!”  
“It’s okay, Harry. You’ll be fine. I’ll see you soon.”  
Trust. It’s all he has left.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.


End file.
